Sometimes, I find myself too blunt and too forthright for my own good. Maybe that’s why I’m always the one who thinks too much. After all was said and done, I tried too much to think logically from everyone point of views, tried too much to stand in everyone shoes, tried too hard to please others and at the same time, finding faults with myself. Sometimes, this would just backfire and then I’m not the better person I hope I could be...

That’s me. It didn’t take me long to realize my dislike for myself increased with every complaint I made. The thoughts would keep coming back to me...why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that, why didn't I think of this, why didn't I think of that...

I’m not cut out for a good person, but I’m not bad enough.

Why don’t i let my cousin, my bothers read my blog? Because I don’t want them reading what I’m going type next, because I’m afraid to let them know how I really feel, because I dread to let them see the inner side of me.

Sometimes, I don’t like my family. They are pushing me to the wall and at times I’d break down and cry alone. I’m just a simple girl, why do they want me to be as successful as a guy? It’s so unfair, comparing to my bothers, hoping I can be as independent, as outspoken, as daring. They would deny having compared me to them. They would say I’m crazy to have these thoughts. Nevertheless, this is exactly how I feel from their action and their choice of words.

There’s such a thing call PMS, a term they will never understand. They might not even know its existence. I had my fair share of bad days, moon swings, just like every other gals but I’m not allowed to show it - if somehow I couldn’t control and lose my temper, then I’m crowned as ‘attitude’. I wonder - if I’ve grown up in a different home with a family who could understand me more, would I still be as inferior as I am now...

Came back from a short getaway trip to Malaysia, Genting then to KL. Bought nothing, not even for my office colleagues...