Sometimes, I find myself too blunt and too forthright for my own good. Maybe that’s why I’m always the one who thinks too much. After all was said and done, I tried too much to think logically from everyone point of views, tried too much to stand in everyone shoes, tried too hard to please others and at the same time, finding faults with myself. Sometimes, this would just backfire and then I’m not the better person I hope I could be...

That’s me. It didn’t take me long to realize my dislike for myself increased with every complaint I made. The thoughts would keep coming back to me...why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that, why didn't I think of this, why didn't I think of that...

I’m not cut out for a good person, but I’m not bad enough.

Why don’t i let my cousin, my bothers read my blog? Because I don’t want them reading what I’m going type next, because I’m afraid to let them know how I really feel, because I dread to let them see the inner side of me.

Sometimes, I don’t like my family. They are pushing me to the wall and at times I’d break down and cry alone. I’m just a simple girl, why do they want me to be as successful as a guy? It’s so unfair, comparing to my bothers, hoping I can be as independent, as outspoken, as daring. They would deny having compared me to them. They would say I’m crazy to have these thoughts. Nevertheless, this is exactly how I feel from their action and their choice of words.

There’s such a thing call PMS, a term they will never understand. They might not even know its existence. I had my fair share of bad days, moon swings, just like every other gals but I’m not allowed to show it - if somehow I couldn’t control and lose my temper, then I’m crowned as ‘attitude’. I wonder - if I’ve grown up in a different home with a family who could understand me more, would I still be as inferior as I am now...

Came back from a short getaway trip to Malaysia, Genting then to KL. Bought nothing, not even for my office colleagues...

A person's mood could be contagious. There are things which still bother me, but I refuse to let my foul mood affect others around me. They deserve to be happy. They are not oblige to hear a friend's endless complains again and again...

Thanks to Jean, Lele, Yun & WS for a great weakend outing last Fri at the Singapore Flyer. Lots of laughter, jokes, pictures snapping and fun. Of course, not to forget the tasty pasta (Jalapeno's Pepper) and wine (Mr. Punch).

A friend once told me she hates people telling her not to think too much - Hate, not because of the person who speaks it, but the words and the helpless feelings that came with it.

I want to remember today.

This is the day I get to know just how disappointed my grandpa is in his fourth youngest son. A leopard will never change its spot, he thinks. He told me, again and again, never to tell anyone about what he had said to me when we were alone...

It bothers me to see such an elderly person carrying his disappointment all these years, for almost a decade, and refusing to let it go. How deep can his disappointment get...?

Justy has a funny mom. Yes, a humorous mom and also one who spouts nonsense. With her group of nosey friends, she could talk everything under the sun, including the personal life of her children. Mom likes to crack joke and then thereafter, she would continued about how useless and timid her daughter is. Somehow, she always manages to make it all sound like this daughter of hers is the black sheep of the family. The repeated tales of the ‘useless’ daughter was etched in the relatives’ and friends’ mind and so they never failed to cast this ‘Hey, Justy is here, the one who still stick to her mama like a baby girl’ look.

Luckily, Justy has got a positive attitude at times. She would get angry when she heard her mom starting another of the silly conversation and then brushed it off shortly, out of her head, because she keeps convincing herself mom didn’t do it on purpose. Every mom does that, she believes, and there was absolutely no point trying to prove anything to anyone who doesn’t even know the real Justy. Why bothers? She used to tell herself. The nonsense, those looks, had never really gotten to Justy until recently when she’s met with various upset moments at work; moments when she starts to think she’s worthless, too. And then mama words start to make sense. Soon, she lost count of the number of times she lay awake on bed at night, sometimes tearing at the thought of it.

Mom doesn’t know. Justy reckons mom would never know how hurtful it was recently to hear the word ‘useless’ or anything associates with it. Justy reckons mom would never understand why her daughter would get more and more hot tempered. No, mom will think Justy is a useless gal who can’t even handle stress in life, and that had gone through Justy’s mind as well. She wishes so much to be a better person...

Justy is trying hard not to dwell on this, but it’s proving to be very difficult.

Merry Christmas!

I've adapted to shopping alone, to listen to complains rather than making them, to not pretend I'm fine when in fact I'm offended by words of others.

Why do I feel guilty whenever I've had a quarrel with someone? Why should I...

Phew... times fly... I'm tired after work, but still I keep on baking after work. I must be mad.

I've been thinking of making a necklace for myself. Today finally I settled down and did a plain simple one.

When the bakery tray is lined with many of the same muffins, people tend to choose and pick the nicest one.

And what will happen to last one which no one has chosen...?

A day at Mint: Museum of Toys.

Sometimes I will get so engross in doing something, I forgot the time and energy I spent on it.

And I didn't mind one bit losing sleep over it.

It's the first week of November. I haven't been baking for weeks.