A little something for my colleagues tomorrow.

I felt oddly relieved...

She looks like a tomboy but...

She's cool.

Every choice I made, I want no regrets...

I'm going to see a dermalogist, and I'm actually quite afraid to go alone.

Chanced upon this song sang by Ah Hsiao 2 years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap9mjRT3j9I&feature=related

I don't know who is the original singer, but his version was good enough. A very simple song...

外面的世界很精彩
我出去會不會失敗
外面的世界特別慷慨
闖出去我就可以活過來

留在這裡我看不到現在
我要出去尋找我的未來
下定了決心改變日子真難捱
吹熄了蠟燭願望就是離開

外面的世界很精彩
我出去會變得可愛
外面的機會來得很快
我一定找到自己的存在
一離開頭也不轉不回來
我離開永遠都不再回來

I made a foolish decision on 27 July...

But I'm happy.

Recently I like this particular singer. He's not an eye-candy, can't express himself well and sometimes, even looks a bit silly and awkward on screen. Strangely, the moment he sings these flaws were easily overlooked. Nevertheless, I didn't start listening his songs until I chanced upon a short article of his background.

Like him simply because his drive, courage, simplicity, innocence touches me. In him, I see the complete opposite of me. We can be equally shy, unconfident and aimless at certain point in our life. We can be similarly uncomfortable and uneasy when focus is on us, hoping to just slip to one quiet corner - I've let these dragged me down while I grumble every now and then, yet he has chosen to silently overcome it. He's young. He's talented. He knows what he can do best and goes all out to pursue his dream. At an age of 15, how many can be as determined and clear about what they want to be doing with their life? He starts learning musical instruments, starts trying out singing in pubs, starts taking part in compeitions. He didn't win then, but queues started forming at the pubs where he sang and suddenly, with only 3 brief appearances on TV, he becomes famous.

"你只管唱...
...我们会让你站在舞台上"

Some said he is lucky. To some extend, he is, to have fans who wrote the above... Who support him from the pub, to now, on the stage.

It's not the most interesting story I've heard before, but I think it's the whole process that's important. The process of trying, learning, improving and becoming a better person. The process of looking back and see how far you've came, how much hard work you've put in to get you where you are now.

At 15, I lacked the courage and confidence to do what I want. At 24, I'm no better than 9 years ago. 有些东西没做, 时机一旦错过就在也不能回去了.

I've done these numerous times but still it left me feeling guilty. And tomorrow morning, I know I will feel even more so. Then, this feeling just continued on and on... because I know I will continue to do this again and again...

Turn me into a stone, please?

Maybe one day I will get so angry and disappointed in myself, then I will shot myself.

I Know I've got quite a 'good girl' look, that's basically what others will say of me.

And then the other day, while having lunch with a friend, casually she mentioned 'good girl' usually can't dress well and don't look pretty but yeah, they are good and easy-going because they are 'GOOD girl'.

There, someone who shares the same thought as me. Would you rather be good girl who don't have a fashion sense, or a sociable party girl who can carry herself well?

I think I'll stick to who I really am.

I was reflecting on my life just now. I really should start taking steps to change the things I'm not happy with. I can't forever be grumbling about this and that and then few years later, still I'm stuck in the same situation which makes me grumbled. It's unhealthy. A person ought to be responsible for the decision he/she made. I think being able to tender my resignation without guilt will be the very first big step for me. Found a job which doesn't make me dread myself to work will be the second.

I admire people will are calm, decisive, confident and sociable. One day, when I'm old, I hope I can look back and see those strengths in myself.

I'm not in my best of mood today. Actually, I haven't been in really good mood ever since Mr hairdresser chopped my thick hair into unbalance layers. I'm usually not so particular about short hair. Well, I'm equally ugly and kiddish in long hair anyway... maybe it's just because my 'big auntie' comes this week...

I shall go buy my favorite food later - waffles...

Sometimes, I find myself too blunt and too forthright for my own good. Maybe that’s why I’m always the one who thinks too much. After all was said and done, I tried too much to think logically from everyone point of views, tried too much to stand in everyone shoes, tried too hard to please others and at the same time, finding faults with myself. Sometimes, this would just backfire and then I’m not the better person I hope I could be...

That’s me. It didn’t take me long to realize my dislike for myself increased with every complaint I made. The thoughts would keep coming back to me...why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that, why didn't I think of this, why didn't I think of that...

I’m not cut out for a good person, but I’m not bad enough.

Why don’t i let my cousin, my bothers read my blog? Because I don’t want them reading what I’m going type next, because I’m afraid to let them know how I really feel, because I dread to let them see the inner side of me.

Sometimes, I don’t like my family. They are pushing me to the wall and at times I’d break down and cry alone. I’m just a simple girl, why do they want me to be as successful as a guy? It’s so unfair, comparing to my bothers, hoping I can be as independent, as outspoken, as daring. They would deny having compared me to them. They would say I’m crazy to have these thoughts. Nevertheless, this is exactly how I feel from their action and their choice of words.

There’s such a thing call PMS, a term they will never understand. They might not even know its existence. I had my fair share of bad days, moon swings, just like every other gals but I’m not allowed to show it - if somehow I couldn’t control and lose my temper, then I’m crowned as ‘attitude’. I wonder - if I’ve grown up in a different home with a family who could understand me more, would I still be as inferior as I am now...

Came back from a short getaway trip to Malaysia, Genting then to KL. Bought nothing, not even for my office colleagues...

A person's mood could be contagious. There are things which still bother me, but I refuse to let my foul mood affect others around me. They deserve to be happy. They are not oblige to hear a friend's endless complains again and again...

Thanks to Jean, Lele, Yun & WS for a great weakend outing last Fri at the Singapore Flyer. Lots of laughter, jokes, pictures snapping and fun. Of course, not to forget the tasty pasta (Jalapeno's Pepper) and wine (Mr. Punch).

A friend once told me she hates people telling her not to think too much - Hate, not because of the person who speaks it, but the words and the helpless feelings that came with it.

I want to remember today.

This is the day I get to know just how disappointed my grandpa is in his fourth youngest son. A leopard will never change its spot, he thinks. He told me, again and again, never to tell anyone about what he had said to me when we were alone...

It bothers me to see such an elderly person carrying his disappointment all these years, for almost a decade, and refusing to let it go. How deep can his disappointment get...?

Justy has a funny mom. Yes, a humorous mom and also one who spouts nonsense. With her group of nosey friends, she could talk everything under the sun, including the personal life of her children. Mom likes to crack joke and then thereafter, she would continued about how useless and timid her daughter is. Somehow, she always manages to make it all sound like this daughter of hers is the black sheep of the family. The repeated tales of the ‘useless’ daughter was etched in the relatives’ and friends’ mind and so they never failed to cast this ‘Hey, Justy is here, the one who still stick to her mama like a baby girl’ look.

Luckily, Justy has got a positive attitude at times. She would get angry when she heard her mom starting another of the silly conversation and then brushed it off shortly, out of her head, because she keeps convincing herself mom didn’t do it on purpose. Every mom does that, she believes, and there was absolutely no point trying to prove anything to anyone who doesn’t even know the real Justy. Why bothers? She used to tell herself. The nonsense, those looks, had never really gotten to Justy until recently when she’s met with various upset moments at work; moments when she starts to think she’s worthless, too. And then mama words start to make sense. Soon, she lost count of the number of times she lay awake on bed at night, sometimes tearing at the thought of it.

Mom doesn’t know. Justy reckons mom would never know how hurtful it was recently to hear the word ‘useless’ or anything associates with it. Justy reckons mom would never understand why her daughter would get more and more hot tempered. No, mom will think Justy is a useless gal who can’t even handle stress in life, and that had gone through Justy’s mind as well. She wishes so much to be a better person...

Justy is trying hard not to dwell on this, but it’s proving to be very difficult.

Merry Christmas!

I've adapted to shopping alone, to listen to complains rather than making them, to not pretend I'm fine when in fact I'm offended by words of others.

Why do I feel guilty whenever I've had a quarrel with someone? Why should I...

Phew... times fly... I'm tired after work, but still I keep on baking after work. I must be mad.